Ron opened her mouth to speak, but was cut off from a disgruntled voice outside the lounge.
"Even the Invisible don't like being locked out, ladies. Would someone open the bloody door?"
Kaylin rolled her eyes. "You can't lock out a ghost. Just float through the wall, why don't you?"
There was a pause. "Oh. Right." Scott floated through the wall. "Thank you. Now, has anyone else noticed that Lee's dead and just took the 11:23 bus?"
The room sighed.
Caillean cleared her throat and pointed to a box in the corner, labeled "Callie Ash."
There was a chorus of "eww...." from around the room. Scott made a face. "Lovely. I want to see Candy. Why's Lee on that bus and not me?"
"The Invisible can't go to that Hell," Ron explained matter-of-factly.
"This is what you get for calling the Nevilles pathetic," Squishy muttered darkly.
"Porn stars these days," Scott grumbled. "Are we sure we don't know who killed me?"
"What would you do, float at them as punishment?" Heather inquired.
Scott scowled, and gave up, taking a seat on the couch beside Kaylin. "Fine. Have your fun at the expense of the sexy Irishman with the shoes sticking out of his back."
"Can I go on?" Ron asked. When she was met with no disagreement, she continued. "Now, it appears we have a, um, visitor."
She pointed to the new Slayer, who stood toward the back of the room.
"Oooh," someone said. "He's cute. Who is he?"
"I," said the man indignantly, "am --"
"He's the new Vampire Slayer," Ron interrupted impatiently.
"But Slayers can't be men!" Kaylin protested.
"My point exactly."
"Who cares?" Becca asked. "He looks yummy. Rawr."
"He looks like Ronaldo," Squishy said darkly.
"Are you sure you're not a Watcher having an identity crisis?" Kaylin asked.
"Yes, quite sure," the man replied uneasily.
"I don't like him," declared Jen. "He's looks emaciated, like JM."
Ron scowled. "Don't you start on my James."
"I'm cuter," Scott declared.
"No, you're not," Ron and Kaylin countered.
"I'm wounded!" Scott protested. "You're my wife; you're supposed to be on my side!"
"Ex wife," Kaylin corrected.
"Children, do we need to separate you?" a voice asked.
The room did its customary confused blinking routine.
"...Callie?" Ennia asked.
"Ye-- no. This is the voice of God."
"God doesn't like us," Sonia reminded everyone.
"Ergo, it's Callie," another voice said.
"Twinny?!" Ron cried.
"Spoil my fun," CallieVoice sulked.
"Ha," CandyVoice said.
"Okay, so there are a number of questions here," Ron said, effectively taking charge. "Number one --"
Scott interrupted her. "Number one, where the fuck are you two talking to us from?"
"From where are you two talking to us," CandyVoice corrected.
"We're calling from the intercom in Hell," Callie replied.
"Ooh, is it nice there?" Kaylin wanted to know.
"Quite. We've got a big-screen TV and popcorn and chocolate and we get to watch football and you lot being confused."
"I should be down there," Scott muttered.
"Well, you're not," CandyVoice said.
"I'm dead! I died painfully, and it's all your fault!" he whined.
Candy rolled her eyes, and Callie snickered. The Slayer adjusted her microphone. "We just wanted to let you know that we're watching and having a good laugh. And Casillas looks even better shirtless from here."
"Damn right," Callie said, glancing back toward the harem door. She waved brightly.
"You two are so mean," Caillean sulked.
"We're dead, we're supposed to be."
"Where is that written?"
"Nowhere. I just came up with it. Cheers!"
They turned the intercom off and flicked on the TV, skipping past the football match ("But, but Gaz!" Callie protested) and to FPO TV.
On screen, the room looked rather disgruntled.
"That was mean," Sonia said bitterly.
"Wenches," someone intoned. There were murmurs of agreement.
Candy giggled and walked to the back counter, grabbing ingredients for a frappy.
Callie flipped back to her football match. "Whee! Goal!" She watched happily for another few minutes until the opposing team scored. She grumbled and flipped to a different channel, showing ER.
"I like TVs in Hell," she said thoughtfully.
Next week on the FPOU Saga: Scott travels to the Underworld, attempting to break into SoLM!Hell, we learn more about the mysterious new Slayer, and there is another death. Dum, dum, dum. Or maybe not. But that just sounded nifty.
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